This is a season of growth and development. After this stunning second half of 2012 of exhibitions and events, I still have a massive hangover though.
I may often seem to be tough and straightforward when it comes to my career in the arts but truth is, I often feel insecure and helpless, and I often not really have a clue on how to approach things The Right Way™. It’s a lot of trial, and even more error.
My hangover feels like this: a tiny, mean voice in my head telling me after a rather successful series of events, “That’s it. There won’t be any more successes.” And this tiny, mean voice causes me physical pain when I start to work on another idea. “See, I told you, you cannot even start. How will you ever finish?” It’s a slow and exhausting process – I don’t really get into the work right now. But I start again. Each effing day.
I know that I wanted to be an artist since I’ve been three or four years old, but it has never been easy: I remember a situation when I wanted to draw something when I was in third grade or so. I really wanted to make that drawing and at the same time I knew that it won’t be good and that the experience of creating something wasn’t as pleasant as I wished it to be. Why was I even trying? Those thoughts, at that early age already! These feelings never vanished except for very rare occasions.
Anyway, I’ve been taking yoga classes for six months now, too, and they taught me a most important lesson: Even though we all have limitations, it’s still possible to grow and to stretch in a mindful, loving and observent way.
“Oh, hi limitation! I see you and I acknowledge your existence.”
Breathing into the challenging parts allow me to gently expand my muscles and psychological boundaries. Though it doesn’t help me to dive into the work with full speed again immediately.
Stretch and breathe. Rest. Repeat.
It allows me to calm down and to accept the time as it is. I try to remember this every day. It’s hard, but it’s my way. I’m also working on a series of mixed-media paintings again. I really try not to force any artworks, but I work every day and even if it’s only for five minutes.
The header image shows the current state of the art. Sorry for the pun.
The good thing about being a creative multitalent: if the creative juices don’t flow in one domain, I trade ambition for play and suddenly there are plenty of other things to discover besides the rut. So I may not be able to create things that look like art right now, but this week I rearranged my sewing table and started to sew again. Win!
This is my new sewing corner there, on the right. It’s tiny, but beautiful!
After all those unhappy years of pushing myself through projects I don’t really wanted, I now allow myself to simply enjoy the creative process however I want to. If it doesn’t work here, I’ll go over there. – Gosh, it’s awesome! Giving myself some space, literally and practically, helps me to regain trust in my creative powers. I know that I’m an artist. I didn’t choose to be one, life chose me to be. I only follow. In my new hand-sewn house slippers. Ha!
Wishing the same sweet healing for you, too!